Dealing with infertility is hard, so you may just want to avoid talking about it with your family, your friends, your boss and your co-workers. You may worry about being misunderstood, judged, or that if you open up to someone about your difficulties, you are going to make that person feel uncomfortable or stressed; or that you will be unable to control your emotions. Deciding who, when and how to tell is up to you and your partner.

What to expect when talking to others about infertility

• Talking about your infertility can feel like a double-edged sword.
  • Talking may help get things off your chest and help you feel liberated from keeping a secret or hiding what’s really been going on.
  • It is helpful to tell people that you do want to have children, but are having trouble. This can help prevent people from asking questions like “When do you plan on having children?” or “When are you having kids already?”
  • On the other hand, people don’t always know how to react to bad news.
• Some people will react in a “let me fix it” giving advice kind of way, flooding you with misinformation or information you already know.
• Some people may try to make you feel like there’s a quick and easy solution. They might minimize your experience by saying, “It’s not the end of the world…you can always just adopt.” Or, they may tell you about people they know who struggled to conceive and became pregnant by just doing/trying/stopping ‘x’.
• Some people may try to make you feel better about the situation by saying things that they think are helpful, but in reality, are not. For example: “At least you get to sleep in! I wish I could do that”, or, “If you want kids so badly, you can have mine”, or, “You can travel, leave the house as quickly as you want, and save money – you’re so lucky!”
• Some may react with blaming: “If only you didn’t wait so long to have kids.”
• Some people may be too intrusive, constantly asking you questions about the treatment.
• Some people may be evasive or avoid talking to you about your fertility struggles entirely, even if you wish they would. This may be because they are uncomfortable with the subject, or don’t know what to say (and don’t want to upset you).
• Some couples find sharing bad news to be difficult or even depressing because they are afraid of disappointing or stressing their loved ones. This might be particularly true for you or your partner’s parents, who are eager for grandchildren, and who may also worry about fertility treatments.
• The challenge with keeping your infertility a secret from your inner circle, is when you’re having a hard day emotionally or physically, and you want to share what’s wrong and lean on your loved ones for support. Also, when we feel isolated and alone we are more likely to experience depression and engage in negative self-talk, which makes everything look darker.

Whom to tell and when?

• The first step is for you and your partner to discuss and decide whom you want to talk to and what you want to tell. For example, how much detail do you want to share?
• Communication with your partner is key to understanding how you both feel about sharing with others and learning to respect each other’s needs.
• You do not need a “one size fits all” approach. You can tell different people different things depending on your relationship with them and how close you feel to that person.

You have decided whom to tell… now what?

• It may help to rehearse with your partner what you are going to tell people.
• Try to find a good time to talk, when people are not in a rush or distracted.
• Pick a private, quiet place, where you and your partner will feel comfortable and won’t be worried about showing your emotions.
• If you and/or your partner want to tell people but do not feel comfortable doing it face-to-face, another option is to write it down either on paper, in an email, etc. If you are concerned about not being able to express what you want to properly or about being interrupted, this may be a good alternative.

Set the rules

• The key is to tell people what you want/expect from them, what you need, and what you don’t want/need: Do you want them to ask how treatments are going? Would you rather they wait for you to bring stuff up? Is it okay for them to talk about it with other people, or is this matter completely private?
• Some couples apply the “No news means no news” policy, which means “if there is news, you will be one of the (first) people to know. But if we say nothing, you can assume that we have nothing to share with you at this time. So, please don't ask us anything.”
• It is also okay to set limits by saying things like “That’s all I feel comfortable talking about at this time” or “That is something we (the couple) will discuss in private.”
• It is also perfectly fine to have your partner “step up” and speak on your behalf. That way, they can communicate your preferences to others, if you find the idea of having that conversation upsetting.

Teach them about fertility

• Keep in mind that most people do not know a lot about infertility, and they won’t know how this has been affecting you. You may want to inform them about the medical aspects of your diagnosis and treatment so they can understand your experience better.
• Consider explaining that 1 in 6 couples experience infertility. That makes it more common than diabetes.

Target sharing

• The information that you share with your boss may be different from what you share with a friend. Consider “target sharing” how infertility affects the relevant aspects of your life that apply to that person. For instance, you may want to explain to your boss how it affects your work performance. Or you may want to explain to a friend that you care about your friendship, but it is hard to socialize when you have received bad news, or that it is hard to attend their baby shower or child’s birthday party when you are struggling with fertility treatments.
• Some people have found it helpful to write blogs or post about their fertility journeys on social media. This may be a way to get support from people outside your social circle, or to share your experience and connect with other people going through a similar experience as you.

Talking to your employer about infertility

Dealing with an infertility diagnosis and treatment can be emotionally, physically and financially demanding. It can also become time-consuming, and managing treatments and work can be challenging. Here are some suggestions for how to deal with this:

If you do not feel comfortable talking to your boss about infertility:

• One option is to let your boss know that you are dealing with a medical issue that may need some accommodation. Perhaps, during this initial conversation, you can explain that there are days when you may not feel well, and at times you may need to be absent or late to work. Maybe you can discuss the option of making up any work time lost.
• If your employer is not as supportive as you had hoped and your treatments require you to miss or be late to work often during a given cycle, you can speak to your fertility doctor about what they can do to help - such as writing a medical note, for example - without revealing the reason for your absence. This way, your employer will know they are being asked to be flexible for a legitimate reason that still protects your privacy.
• Another option is to explore managing communication entirely through your employer’s Human Resources (HR) department. You can also speak to HR to see whether they have any resources or offer benefits related to fertility treatments that you may be entitled to.

If you do feel comfortable talking to your boss about infertility:

• If you want to talk about your infertility struggles and treatment, and you think it will help you to be honest about them with your employer, then you should do so at a level you are comfortable with. You can provide as much or as little detail as you want.
• If you already have an infertility treatment plan, you can explain the time commitment required to your boss so that everything is on the table from the start.
• If you will require some additional flexibility in your work schedule (for example, some people live further away from their fertility clinics than others and require time to travel for treatment), you can ask your boss about their preferences for how to communicate your ‘time away’ needs, especially since cycles can be unpredictable at times.
• If you travel for work, you can request to limit all non-essential travel, if possible, while you are undergoing treatment.
• You can be honest and say that this is a difficult time for you and your partner emotionally, physically and financially, and that you greatly appreciate the support of your boss. You can also explain that you are facing a lot of unknowns, that you do not know how long it will take, what’s in store for you on this journey or whether it will be successful.

What about other people’s baby news?

• Some people who know about your struggles may worry about telling you about their pregnancy or baby news.
• Here to, depending on who, tell people what you want and need from them.
• Communicate if you do or do not want to be invited to baby showers, baby namings, bris, baptism, aqiqah, namakarana or any birth-related events. This is a personal choice: and it’s okay to decide not to go or to go to some events and not others. You can explain that just because you are not attending, it does not mean you are not happy for them or jealous – it just means that you are sad for you and your partner.
• If you know other friends or family members who are trying to conceive at the same time as you, express to them your needs. For example, how you want them to handle it if they have their own baby news. Perhaps you may ask them to share this over email or text if you feel this will be difficult to handle face-to-face.
• It is also perfectly fine to have your partner “step up” and speak on your behalf. That way, they can communicate your preferences to others, if you find the idea of having that conversation upsetting.
• It’s okay to tell someone you wish not to hear their advice about trying to conceive.