Keeping your couple healthy

Find the pleasure zone

When couples are having difficulties getting pregnant, sex may feel like a job or a chore, rather than an enjoyable activity.
Consider having sex or other sexual activities (for example, oral sex) outside the “fertile” periods. This would be a way to experience pleasure and connect with your partner.
There is no magic number of times that you should have sex. Having sex more often will not affect your fertility. So have sex as often as you want to, while keeping with your doctor’s recommendations about ovulation timing and anything else.
Your fertility will not be affected by how long sex lasts.
Sexual positions do not affect your pregnancy chances. This means that there is no perfect position for fertility. The best position is one where you’re both comfortable and enjoying it.
Day or night? Having sex at a specific time does not affect your chances of getting pregnant.
If you use a lubricant, check the packaging or ask the pharmacist to make sure that it is fertility-friendly. Some lubricants contain spermicides that can make it harder to get pregnant.

You and your partner are a team. Here are some ways to support each other through the challenges of fertility treatment.

Sometimes, it helps to take a break from fertility talk so that your time together is not only about baby making.
Declare a fertility free zone or time, and at specific times or places (for example, the bedroom), fertility is not talked about. Give yourself the space and time in these moments not to talk about fertility.
Try to spend some time together engaging in an enjoyable activity that both of you like.
Consider activities such as cuddling, holding hands, massaging or kissing. These activities are not about conceiving, so they can help you stay close to your partner without the pressure of having sex.

Effective communication strategies help couples feel less stressed, more understood and more connected, which is important during this difficult period.
While one member of the couple may feel like they are the “problem” or that the infertility is affecting them “more,” both partners are going through this experience together. Both of you need to be heard and need to feel that you can express yourselves. Remember, you are teammates.
If you are doing most of the talking about experiences and ideas related to treatment options, try to give your partner a turn to speak and let them know you are listening.
If you are the one who is doing most of the listening, express what’s been on your mind, including any opinions you have about your treatment. Remember that your partner can’t read your mind. Tell your partner how you are feeling rather than making your partner guess.

Tips to improve your communication

Use “I” statements, like “I feel very nervous” or “I am really disappointed by how today went” rather than “You don’t understand how nervous I am” or “You aren’t as disappointed as I am.” This helps the other person understand how you are feeling without creating blame.
Be careful of tone. Remember, it often isn’t what you are saying, but how you’re saying it.
During stressful periods, such as receiving bad news, conversations can get very heated. It may be helpful to call a timeout and stop talking about a certain issue. Breathe. A timeout can help you avoid arguing or saying hurtful things that you may regret or don’t mean.
When you both have taken the necessary time to cool off, try to sit down and re-discuss the issue by using “I” statements, and watching your tone.
Sometimes a 12-24 hour break on talking about an issue makes you think, “What were we even arguing about to begin with?!”
If you don’t feel as comfortable using words to describe how you are feeling, you can try writing down your thoughts or journaling and then sharing this with your partner.

Each of us has different ways of showing or expressing our love. What you give is often the way you want to be treated by your partner. But what you give may not be what your partner wants.
The five most common ways we express love are: 1. Words of affirmation (encouraging messages) 2. Gifts (tokens of affection) 3. Acts of service (help with necessary tasks) 4. Quality time (time spent together in shared activities) 5. Physical touch (hand holding to sexual intimacy).

To better understand how to meet your partner’s needs for love and care during the challenges of fertility treatment, think about the ways in which each of you shows or expresses love.
If you are someone who shows care and love by doing the dishes every night, then you are someone who appreciates acts of service. This means that you probably want your partner to express their love to you, using acts of service. For example, by going grocery shopping.
If your partner’s way of communicating love is by gift giving, you might feel disappointed when you get a gift instead of an act of service, and your partner might feel frustrated that you did not appreciate their gesture.
The key is to try to understand the other person’s perspective, and then try to express love and concern in the way that is most meaningful for them.

Reproduction 101